Monday, March 11, 2013

Just Say 'No' To (Butt) Crack

This past weekend, we took the kids to the indoor community pool. It's a nice pool - heated, with a kiddie swim area and a big slide. The kids love it, and I don't mind it either. As I was packing my suit for the outing, I was reminded of a mortifying experience I had last summer; one which leads me to exercise extra caution when putting on a swim suit. Please, let my experience be a lesson to you.

Last July, we took a family vacation which included trips to a water park. When had I packed my suit of choice at the time - a red tankini - I noticed that the fabric was wearing at the bottom of the tank, and the elasticity was going out of it a bit. Meh. Nothing too concerning, or even noticeable.

For our first vacation outing to the water park, I would take then-5-year-old W, while Chris and our 2 year-old stayed behind for a nap. W was eager to get going, as we were meeting some cousins there. We hastily put on our suits and packed our bag with the necessities - towels, sunscreen, water - and off we went!

It was a gorgeous day. We immediately found my sister-in-law and her three boys and got settled in. I even ran into an old friend from high school. We were having a blast. And then...

My son and I left the pool area for a quick bathroom break. Before we left the restroom, I gave myself a once-over in the mirror. I'm not sure why, but this time I checked my back. I hadn't done this before we left for the pool, and as it turns out, I should have. It wasn't just the edge of my top that had some was my bottoms, too.

That's right - the fabric had worn thin right down the middle 1/3 of the back of my suit bottom (not the front, thank goodness!). I'd spent a good portion of the afternoon showing everyone in my wake my butt crack.

I'm not sure if anyone noticed. What would they say? They were probably wondering what was wrong with the strange woman parading around in what could only be construed as a reverse thong. "Hello, everyone! It's my vertical smile!"

We hadn't brought towels to the restroom with us, so as we walked back to our chairs, I made sure to keep one hand behind me with all my fingers splayed out, hoping to cover my ass-ets. Not one to let a little butt crack spoil the fun, I spent the rest of the visit with a towel around my waist, but was also okay with keeping my butt hidden in an inner-tube as I rode around the "lazy river" with my son. Fortunately, he didn't notice and is still too young to be very embarrassed by his mom (yet).

The suit went into the garbage immediately after taking it off, and I headed to Target for a replacement the next day. Take it from me - check your suit thoroughly before putting it on, or you may regret it.


  1. Classic vacation story! LOL!!! I thought this stuff only happened in my family.

    1. I'm just glad to know that this sort of stuff doesn't just happen to me! Thanks for reading, Lisa. :)