Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Stuck in a Moment

I've been trying to do a lot of writing lately, which has been a challenge due to demands at work and at home (you know, "life"). My presence here really started last fall, when I was encouraged to write as an outlet, and I started to document my experience of living with Crohn's disease, starting with my diagnosis. Since then, I've written a lot of material that is in various phases of being finished and edited. Some of it I will post in due time, and some of it I will keep for myself.

The advice to write was some of the best I have received, even if I had concerns about finding the time to do it. I know there benefits of journaling and writing, and I had hopes that it would be a therapeutic outlet for me. Not only has it been that, but I did not realize how far the benefits would stretch for me, nor that a spark would be ignited within me. I've discovered that I love to write (not just about Crohn's), and can feel the words burning inside of me (no, it's not just indigestion). My writing quality is another question - after years of being trained to write in bullet points, with brevity and without emotion, expressing myself here is a new challenge.

There were other things I did not expect. I did not expect this to be an emotional process to the extent that is has been. I didn't realize how much of my past experiences and emotions had been buried and that dredging them up could be mentally and emotionally taxing. I did not anticipate that the process of writing some of these experiences would leave me feeling raw and that my mind would stay awake at night, whirling with words. And most of all, I did not expect that the feedback that I would receive from the few people in my life that I have shared this blog with could move me to tears.

Even though the writing is therapeutic and through it I have found a "release", I've struggled with the words in the past few weeks. I have been trying to understand why, and when the song, "Stuck in a Moment" popped into my head the other night, I realized that I am just "stuck." I'm stuck trying to summarize the emotions of the time, and trying to capture and portray it the way I want to. But if I keep at it, I'll find the words. (Incidentally, I am a big fan of U2, going all the way back to when we could listen to them on cassette tape).

Meanwhile, I've got to remind myself:

"It's just a moment
This time will pass."

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